May we all rethink may.

Maycember. Mad May. Manic May.

These are the terms many have used in conversation as we’ve discussed the unique pressures this month bears for working and even non-working parents. While I believe the demands on parents were growing before COVID-19, something changed post-pandemic.  I’m wondering if three emergent trends have led us to where we are today.

First, during the pandemic, we were reminded of what’s most important, and being more present for our kids became a deep desire of many parents. Second, workplaces have therefore had to become more flexible. Third, we have a new appreciation for teachers and administration, and we’ve learned we absolutely do not want their jobs ever again. As a result, we feel a special desire and perhaps even pressure to support our teachers and schools in any way we possibly can.

Individually, these are all positive things. Collectively, it's leading us all to a place of burnout, loathing, and missing the joy of the very moments we crave. This evolution brings with it an increased expectation for parental presence, creating an unprecedented demand on our time.

While I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity schools afford our kids today, it is difficult to maintain this pace. Especially for working parents with school-aged kids, who make up approximately 30% of our workforce. Recorder concerts. Health fairs. Art shows. End-of-year parties. Field trips and Field Days. All during core business hours. Add to that the after-school sports and activities schedules, and work (you know, that thing you do to earn money to feed and cloth said kids) takes a third-row seat in the ever-moving SUV.  In this month alone, my children (and I only have two!) have had almost daily activities with optional and encouraged parent attendance.

After feeling exasperated by the mounting demands, I called my parents to talk it through. Maybe I’d forgotten that they did this too! However, my instinct was correct. They shared how they juggled the demands of running two businesses without ever being asked to step away during core business hours for school activities.

Times have certainly changed. And so have we.

In addition to the long list of things to attend, we’ve evolved into a culture where missing a school event can feel like a major failure. We’re putting the “show up” expectation on ourselves, our kids, and each other. My husband and I both own and operate businesses, work within an hour's driving distance, and have the ability to be at home each night to share responsibilities. We have extended family who live in town, so we have a support system that can periodically tag-team for us if needed. We have radical flexibility. And if despite all that, we’re feeling totally stressed out, I can only imagine how those with far less flexible schedules and/or additional life barriers feel. What about you single parents? What about you solo parents whose spouses travel for work? What about a family without extended family nearby? How, and I actually mean how, are you doing it?  

If you’re anything like me, it feels like not very well.

What if we could change that? What if we could change the situation and change our reactions to it?

May we all rethink May.

Pick two, like the lunch menu says.

What if schools and teachers provided a list of activities during core business hours and asked us to each pick two to attend each semester? If some parents want to use all of their PTO for the month of May, good on them. Otherwise, pick two for the semester. If you have multiple kids, that is still a significant lift. If you’re working multiple jobs to make ends meet, that may not even be possible. Yet it’s a major improvement for the current scenario of seemingly endless expectations.

Let kids have a say.

What if we sat down with our kids and went over the options? It has never occurred to me to ask my kids what’s important to them, but I am going to start doing that.  Based on my son’s face while playing his recorder, I am quite certain he couldn’t have cared less about my presence at his 2:30 pm recorder concert. Yes, the one that I raced out of an important meeting to attend.  I really should have asked him first.

Be the village.

What if we embraced a village mentality? If we see a child whose parents couldn’t make it to an event, take a photo of them and send it to the parents, invite the child to sit with you, ask the teacher ahead of time if they know of a child that will be flying solo and proactively reach out before the event. Having been the recipient of this simple act of kindness more than once, I can't express how reassuring it is to know that friends are looking out for my kids and me. Ask for help when you need it and give it when you can. When we notice a parent isn’t showing up, check in on them and assume the best.

Talk openly about the dignity of work.

What if we discussed with our kids the dignity and importance of work and that sometimes, we show our love and support by ensuring their future stability? We need kids who see balance and blend between home and work, and understand that, as my dad used to say, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

Advocate for flexibility.

What if we continued to advocate for flexibility in workplaces?  We need to continue to advocate for policies that recognize the diverse needs of families. Flexibility shouldn’t be an exception but a norm. Employers, be aware this is a challenging time of year for the 30% on your team with school-aged kids. We’re trying to do it all and likely, we don’t feel great about the job we’re doing. If you have someone with an hourly wage and little flexibility, they may feel additional stress. Extra support will be huge for your organizational culture. 

I live in Michigan and the weather is unpredictable. While we can’t change the weather (which is currently quite lovely!) I do believe we can change the outlook of May to be less stormy and more sun-peeking-through-the-clouds.

We just have to do it together.